Dharma Blog

The Chan Warrior is like other warriors in some ways, but vastly different in others.

The Chan Warrior cultivates Martial skill as a means to harness the energies of the body and mind and carry out enlightened action.

 The Chan Warrior stays true to paramitas such as Loving-Kindness, Compassion, Equanimity, Honest, and Vigor.

 The Chan Warrior opens to the present moment no matter what it brings, knowing that all forms are expressing Buddha Nature of basic goodness.

The Chan Warrior clarifies the mind so that he or she may act instantaneously according to the needs of each arising instance.

 The Chan Warrior vanquishes the illusion of separate existance and acts as a helper for others, aiding them in their evolution toward Complete Awareness.

 I aspire to be such a Warrior

The various parmaitas for cultivating the Dharma are in essence the means to internal happiness.

 This becomes more and more clear to me as I grow in my practice.

As the mind settles and awareness increases we cannot help but feel wounded when our actions “miss the mark”, or do not manifest the enlightened activity of a Buddha.

Recently I have come to a greater understanding of the teaching of the Bodhisattva Jesus - “Judge not, lest you be judged yourself”.  To interpret this as referring to some sort of after death retribution is a good start perhaps (for it definitely takes into acount the law of Karma (causality), but only goes part way.  

Walking through my life, and observing others I have recently come to experience very distinctly that when any kind of judgement arises, feelings of pain within my heart-mind arise simultaneously.  This applies to friends, teachers, strangers, and any event arising in the consciousness.  Perhaps a better - if more cumbersome - translation of the teachings might be “Judge not, because the energy of that mind activity only produces more suffering within the heart.”

In coming to greater acceptance of my teachers and taking them down off of pedestals, I have noticed that more of their beautiful human qualities shine through to me than ever before.  In accepting the circumstances of my life, and the arisals of my mind in meditation; I observe that numinous beauty and peace are always present.

 This does not do away with the need or desire for discriminating wisdom - as both Maitri (friendliness & love) and Prajna (wisdom) are among the paramitas and must be balanced.  When we try to discriminate with our minds clouded in judgement (prejudice/ pre-judgement) our wisdom is obscured.  When we first open to the present moment, often we will find that the right choice naturally arises - then we have the opportunity to utilize Virya (heroic determination).  Our actions can arise from a place of clear-seeing with in us, and often produce sweeter fruits than actions based upon fear or desire.

When I stop expecting my teachers to be superhuman, i can realize the beautiful human qualities in them.  Interesting that.

Lately I’ve been coming a lot into contact with the Shadow self.  And have just started working with it under another name - the disowned self.  Like many humans I have struggled with feeling the uncomfortable emotions of distrust, dislike, competetion, fear that arise in the presence of certain other beings.

Finally I have been able to catch some of the underlying process going on - that these are aspects of myself that have been pushed down and labelled unacceptable - in other words “disowned”.

The problem here is that these selves can actually be quite useful.  Many of them that I find myself judging when the show up as other people (as they inevitably will) are actually very fun and skillful.

It’s easy to see, though, how a situation like this can arise….. because it is not obvious how one can deal with faces of ones being that are frightening, powerful, and sometimes contrary to one’s larger goals.  Beings like ‘the trickster’, ‘the slut’, ‘the angry one’ can be quite frightening - but when made friends with and employed they can be powerful allies.  It is interesting that many of us lock these aspects away for fear that they would take over if given a bit of freedom - but what that actually accomplishes is a take over by a fearful controller who is often not flexible enough to take Life on it’s own terms.

So, with this all in my heart-mind, i was driving down the 101 and thinking about Jesus.  I remembered that in the stories of his life he was portrayed as associating with all sorts of “unsavoury” characters - tax collectors, prostitutes, the poor.  The most amazing thing is that he treated all beings the same - like in the Tao Te Ching “those who are good he treats with goodness, those who are not good he also treats with goodness”.  What strikes me though is the special emphasis placed on associating with these characters - and I’m beginning to think that it’s because they are where the power really is, the real juicy stuff of life that will not be repressed, but must be embraced - integrated and ridden.  It seems that the life of the Christ - the Master - depends upon full realization and embracing of all of these forces - giving one the ability to walk on water, heal, forgive and bless.  I pray to walk in such a way.

It arises more and more in my experience, that the less i ask of the world, the more it gives.

The end of suffering through ending desire does not mean that one becomes a mindless vegetable - simply that one finally realizes that making efforts to squeeze some lasting happiness from the world only lead to pain. When one lets this go, the world begins to offer her gifts and beauty. Then, rather than craving and unskillful grasping to try to fill the void - it is as if the void begins to manifest light, one’s actions cease to be solely directed toward personal gain, and because one is filled with Wonder there is so much to offer to the world - one’s being manifests compassion and love spontaneously.

In this moment, i am glimpsing this reality.

For so long i just thought I was depressed.

 And yet, all the amino acids for my brain, and exercise, and anti-oxidants, and music making that are supposed to heal the depression seemed not to make a dent.

Even moving deeper into my ‘life’s purpose’ and moving thousands of miles; ending one relationship and starting another; ending that relationship and starting a few at once - none of it seemed to help.

Nothing could shake the feeling of disappointment upon disappointment… and that all i could see possible was more disappointment. 

I could not understand why with all the qigong, and prayer, and friends, and hobbies, and nutrition - i would still feel hopeless and dissatisfied.

I began to feel more and more that nothing would ever satisfy, nothing would ever alleviate the anxiety i felt, that I could not carry on.

And I was right.

In all the world there is no hope - no lasting happiness - nothing that will dispell the fear of a separate entity.  All the bright and brilliant goals I’ve set have become ashes in my mouth, all the work i’ve put in on ‘bettering’ myself has simply led to more self, and more work.

And yet, in fully realizing this, in fully accepting this hopelessness and despair - something has happened. 

The dark night of the soul has felt like falling down a deep well, mostly without any ground whatsoever, no light, no frame of reference - occasionally chancing upon a handhold only to have it break off, or passing a glimpse of daylight - so fleeting.  In this moment it is as if I’ve touched down on the bottom.  Oh, here I am.  It’s the bottom of a well, and it’s not so bad.  It’s not a fairy tale.  There is no endless pile of ice cream, no perfect mate, no bike ride that only goes downhill…. but it is real, perhaps more real than i have experienced yet, and I am content to dwell in that reality.

There is a classical Koan that asks one to drink an entire ocean in a single gulp.

 I don’t really know what this is supposed to mean, but practicing yesterday I got a glimpse of how to use it.

There is no such thing as half-hearted practice.  There is either practice or not.  There are preliminaries, and conditions - but meditation cannot actually be reached by any of these means.  One cannot take cup by cup, bucket by bucket, gallon by gallon.  You either swallow the whole thing at once, or not at all.

 Don’t hold yourself back from Reality, embrace it now - in this moment, where real power and grace lies - take it all into you without reserve, like a drowning man surfacing, like a childs first cry.

Shiva means Goodness, and often implies the aspect of the universe that is empty, witnessing consciousness.

Shakti is Power, and manifests as colour, life, passion.

It is only by their coming together that Life is born, the universe is vitalised and created, all things are sustained and destroyed.   All ancient traditions were aware of this in some way.

 Practicing mindfullness today i found a place of empty consciousness observing phenomena arising as beauty.  It was as if i had found a space where both Shiva and Shakti were residing - perpetually making love.  Consciousness without goals allowing the recognition of power and beauty….. and all the play of the manifest world throwing relief onto the empty void she arises in.

In this space, all existence can be welcomed as divine play.  Attachment is not required or desired - everything is where it should be.

The idea of a fixed stance, or a lack of one is common in the martial arts.  One of the benefits of cultivating a warrior tradition of spirituality is that our meditative practice can influence our martial practice, and vice - versa.  In this case ‘martial practice’ refers to any of our mindful actions in the world - driving, washing dishes, having debates, loving people - what is sometimes referred to as the “post-meditation period”.

So in my meditation practice recently I have been noticing an interesting mind-phenomenon, that I can observe myself making plans about how to deal with relationships, situations, individuals.   It kind of goes like this:

divided mind says “so, what are you going to do about this issue?”

and divided mind replies “well, if I behave in such-and-such a manner, I’ll get the love I’m looking for (or make them pay, or whatever)”

divided mind then says “ok.  That’s settled, we now have a safe, static plan for action”

The witnessing mind has been observing, and always after such a discussion can notice a distinct feeling of unease - like my realm of possibilities has been diminished.  The energy field sinks and rigidifies, and a certain childlike joy and ferocity become tamed.  Sometimes i think that this strategy would be wonderful, were the world something other than it is - less changeable, more predictable perhaps - where a fixed plan could pay off the way I think it will.  More often though now, I’m beginning to long more and more for that sense of joy and fierceness - a spontaneous arising of action in each moment - the old safe and sad road just won’t cut it.

Zen master Takuan relates this to sword playing - saying that no matter where the mind is placed - on one’s sword, on the opponent’s sword, on the lower abdomen - the mind will be stopped, and not fully responsive.  This life or death situation is each moment.

In each moment of living, how much have I planned ahead? how much am I experiencing from the perspective of a fixed stance? how free am i to relate immediately with joy and power?